With the baseball season upon us, I must admit that I struggled to find the positives when it came to writing about the Colorado Rockies. The team had gotten off to another slow start, the pitchers were getting shelled, and Kris Bryant was again, a virtual no-show.

So, I cheated.

I sat down at my computer, then asked ChatGPT to write me an 800-word article about the Colorado Rockies and all that was good.
Within minutes, there it was.

The words Cold Beer repeated 400 times.

So, here it is. My annual story about the Colorado Rockies, written before they become too irrelevant, which is roughly about a dozen games into the season. If any of the jokes are repeats from last season, or the season before – it’s fitting.

Because the Rockies have been a joke for quite a while now.

• It’s only been eleven games, and I’m no math major. But I’m pretty sure the Rockies have just been mathematically eliminated from a playoff spot.

• It’s not a good sign when the Rockies are promoting – Drown Your Sorrows In Beer Night on the monthly calendar.

• If you thought that the Rockies (3-8) winning percentage of .273 is bad – you should look up Kris Bryant’s batting average.

• Kris Bryant is batting .125 with just one homerun and 14 strikeouts. Let’s put it this way. If Sean Payton were the manager of the Rockies, Bryant would already be a Pittsburgh Pirate.

• I thought the boos would’ve been raining down on Bryant when the team played their home-opener last week at Coors Field. But that’s assuming there’s a crowd, that’s paying attention, and not wearing a visitor’s jersey.

• Let’s be honest. The face of the franchise has never been Kris Bryant. It’s Charlie Blackmon. Blackmon has played 14 seasons for the Rockies, a four-time All-Star, two-time Silver Slugger, 2017 NL batting champion, and even guest starred in Happy Gilmore as Adam Sandler’s caddy.

Credit via Happy Gilmore

• I love Charlie Blackmon, but he only had 40 RBIs last season and hasn’t been relevant in years. As a matter of fact, I’m confident that the only reason Charlie Monfort keeps Blackmon on the roster year-after-year is, so he doesn’t have to redo any promotional material.

• Back to the promotional calendar. It looks like the Rockies August 28th game vs the Miami Marlins is Sit Where You Want Night.

Credit via BallPark Ratings

• Back to Monfort. It’s ironic that Billy Beane and Charlie Monfort each have their own version of Moneyball. Although Charlie’s numbers are less about the analytics, and more about gate sales and hot dog prices.

• Is it more pathetic that the Rockies, again, have one of the league’s lowest payrolls ranking a few slots below the league average? Or more pathetic that with just three wins, the team’s payroll isn’t dead last?

• It probably doesn’t help that the Dodgers have a scout in the Dominican Republic, the Giants have a scout in Venezuela, while the Rockies scout – is sitting in the cheap seats at a Savannah Bananas game.

• But my favorite move was made by Senior Vice President and General Manager Bill Schmidt, when he signed all of our starting pitchers to 5-year deals despite having ERA’s around 7.00. And now we sit in last place – with a team ERA around 7.00.

Photo by R.J. Oriez

• I did hear that the team increased their prizes for that pitching booth out on the concourse that tests how fast you can throw a ball. 65 mph is a t-shirt, 70 mph is a bat, and 75 mph is a spot in the starting in rotation.

• It may be time to trade our top prospects for outside talent. Do you think the other teams prefer an ale or a lager?

• Wait – I can’t find Michael Toglia Bobblehead Night on the calendar? Must be a mistake.

Credit via Craigslist

• I do have to say that without question, Bud Black is the smartest manager in all of baseball. Who else can lose 100 games every year and still keep his job.

• And what do the Rockies have to show for it? If you lose 100 games in baseball, you get some skinny kid learning a splitter down in AA. Lose that much in the NBA, and you end up with Victor Wembanyama.

• I feel like Bud Black announced his retirement from baseball about five years ago, and yet, there he is, still in the dugout.

• What does Bud Black even do? Adjust the batting order so the Rockies lose 7-4 instead of 7-3?

• Here’s a fun promotion. Instead of $5 seats for just the Rockpile, the July 7th game against the Royals is offering all seats for just $5 with the slogan – “The Rockies – we’re a big pile of something.”

• Seriously, who cares if the Rockies All-Star representative is some guy named Chuck, VP of Beverage Distribution. He’s likely the team’s MVP.

• Here’s one positive. The Rockies finished 45 games out of first place two seasons ago. Last season, the team cut that down to just 41 games back. After eleven games, Colorado is just a mere five games behind the Dodgers.

And the beer is cold.

Images via happygilmore, apnews, ballparkratings, craigslist, wikipedia

Alan Tapley The Athletic Supporter

Alan Tapley is an educator, author, and blogger who has lived just outside of Boulder for the last twenty years.  His published work includes two novels, two children’s books, a series of cartoons in the Minneapolis Star-Tribune, and multiple sports related articles. His love for family and the state of Colorado is only matched by one thing, his passion for sports.  The first baseball game he ever attended was at Wrigley Field, before there were lights.  At the final Bronco game at the old Mile High, he allegedly cut out a piece of his seat in the South stands.  But regardless of being here for the Avalanche’s last Stanley Cup, the Rockies only World Series appearance, and all the Broncos’ Super Bowl Victories, his wife never fails to remind him that he wasn’t at the University of Colorado in 1990, like she was.  The year the Buffs football team won the National Championship