How to Become a Boulderite
If you’ve just moved to Boulder and you’re feeling a little left out, it’s probably because you’re not doing all the things a Boulderite does. Here’s what you need to start doing to make your official transition.
1. You run now. Before work. Like, 6 am, but only on the days that you’re not doing morning yoga.
2. Stop drinking cow milk immediately. You expose yourself every time you try to order a latte that’s not soy/almond/oat milk. This is why your barista has been refusing to make eye contact with you.
3. The second reason your barista is refusing to make eye contact is because you’re not getting a bottle of Yerba Mate with your latte. Boulderites only eat brunch (avocado toast) on the weekends, and never eat breakfast; we only drink Yerba Mate.
4. Speaking of drinking, yes, Coors is from Colorado, and yes, you will be judged for drinking it. Get a microbrew you’ve never heard of or a CBD infused beer instead.
5. You’re smoking weed like the rest of us, but you still don’t know the difference between Pineapple Chunk and Pineapple Express. Plus, your munchies are way off–where’s your grain-free granola and Whole Foods gluten free, vegan, organic, fair trade chocolate bars?
6. Plastic bags cost money here. That does not mean you pay for them, that means you use a Lululemon bag instead.
7. You drive a Subaru Outback with a bike rack on top. Oh, also you bike now.
8. Athleisure clothing is legally required for a minimum of three of seven days of the week. It is legally required to wear this to all restaurants within the Boulder city limits.
9. If you don’t have a dog you’re a certified psychopath and may be committed. If you own a dog and they’re not going on all your morning runs/yoga classes/bike rides/brunches with you, this is animal abuse.
10. You’re inexplicably devoted to CU’s sports teams, despite their losing streak.