The Washington Football Team recently asked for fan input to find a new name for its NFL franchise.  Once known as the Redskins, the franchise abandoned the controversial team name after years of public pressure, eventually settling on calling the team the Washington Football Team until a new name was decided upon.  The organization has asked fans to vote on possible choices such as the Red Wolves, Wild Hogs, Aviators, and more.

The organization has even asked for feedback on calling the team the Washington Capitol City Football Club.

Hey WFT!  WTF?

The conversation had me thinking about team names, the lack of foresight when franchises choose them, and the changes that should be considered.

• The failure of a franchise to change their team name after relocating to another city always baffles me. The Utah Jazz makes no sense unless you have seen the Mormon Tabernacle Choir performing on Bourbon Street lately.
• The Los Angeles Lakers were originally based in Minnesota, the Land of 10,000 Lakes. But there are no lakes in LA, so the new team name should represent something more prevalent. I suggest the Los Angeles Lipo, but only because the Breast Augmentation Surgery is a little lengthy.
• The Oakland Raiders should have changed their name when the franchise moved to Las Vegas to something more representative of the area. The Gamblers, The Blackjacks, or even The Strip.  Although, if your wife overhears you talking about your favorite Las Vegas Stripper, things could get contentious.  Furthermore, if a team name is based on the city, they should probably be called the Las Vegas Smelly Flight Back Home with No Money and a Hangover.

• Two franchise names that I just do not understand are the Nashville Predators and the San Diego Padres. When you close your eyes and picture a Predator, do you vision the Saber-Toothed Tiger that is displayed on Nashville’s hockey jerseys?  Or a creepy man with a mustache and a trench coat, hanging out near his van by the local elementary school.  And the San Diego Padres are not much better.  A Padre is like a Friar, or a religious man of the cloth.  I don’t mean to offend anyone, but that is the last guy that should be hanging around a boys locker room.
• The Miami Heat and Miami Marlins should think about a name change. It is apparent after looking at the Heat’s NBA uniforms, they should be called the Miami Vice.  And since baseball has the Red Sox and the White Sox, I propose that Miami’s baseball team be called the no-socks.
• After a huge COVID-19 breakout and no games since March 24^th, the Vancouver Canucks should change their name to the Canucks Vancouver Squad, or CVS. A reminder of the nationwide pharmacy that provides plenty of vaccine opportunities.
• The state of Texas needs multiple name changes for their sports teams. The Astros should be re-named the Houston Cheetas, for obvious reasons, and the Texas Rangers should change their name to the Gnomes.  A small garden ornament of a bearded man with a pointy hat doesn’t seem too intimidating, but the acronym G.N.O.M.E.S. is fitting.  After 38,000 fans showed up in Arlington on opening day, GNOMES stands for Guns Needed Over Masks to Enter S
• As for the Houston Texans of the NFL. Based on the current legal issues of quarterback Deshaun Watson they should either be called the Houston Assaulters, or the Houston Inappropriate Touchers, whichever fits on their jerseys.  But whether Watson eventually gets traded to another team, or stays to play for Houston, this story is bound to have a “happy ending”.
• The one franchise with the perfect team name is the Colorado Rockies. After beginning the season at 4-12 with a team batting average of just .221, they are off to one of the rockiest starts in recent team history.

Sep 22, 2017; San Diego, CA, USA; Colorado Rockies center fielder Charlie Blackmon (19) reacts after being called out on strikes during the seventh inning against the San Diego Padres at Petco Park. Mandatory Credit: Jake Roth-USA TODAY Sports

Images via thegarnettereport.com, forbes.com, youtube.com, sportingnews.com, mentalfloss.com, mlbtraderumors.com

Alan Tapley The Athletic Supporter

Alan Tapley is an educator, author, and blogger who has lived just outside of Boulder for the last twenty years.  His published work includes two novels, two children’s books, a series of cartoons in the Minneapolis Star-Tribune, and multiple sports related articles. His love for family and the state of Colorado is only matched by one thing, his passion for sports.  The first baseball game he ever attended was at Wrigley Field, before there were lights.  At the final Bronco game at the old Mile High, he allegedly cut out a piece of his seat in the South stands.  But regardless of being here for the Avalanche’s last Stanley Cup, the Rockies only World Series appearance, and all the Broncos’ Super Bowl Victories, his wife never fails to remind him that he wasn’t at the University of Colorado in 1990, like she was.  The year the Buffs football team won the National Championship