Spanning over two weekends, Coachella is best known for the biggest names on the biggest of stages. No, I am not talking about Beyonce, Bad Bunny, or Harry Styles. I’m talking about the other Coachella. As in, the big stage of NFL and NCAA coaches that are stealing all the headlines.

Nick Saban calling it quits at Alabama, Pete Carroll stepping down in Seattle, and Bill Belichick moving on from New England.

The warmup acts had a little star power as well.

Kalen DeBoer leaves the Huskies for the Crimson Tide, Jerod Mayo is the man for the Pats, Mike Vrabel no longer a Titan.

Coachella 2024 had quite a few names drop out early such as Josh McDaniels and Brandon Staley, along with their GMs. While others canceled just recently, like Ron Rivera, Frank Reich, and Arthur Smith.

That’s leaving quite the speculation about who will be next to make a splash on stage.

Mike Tomlin has said that he will weigh his options at the end of the season, Maxx Crosby said he will request a trade if Antonio Pierce isn’t hired back, and Jim Harbaugh could soon be with the Chargers.

But in looking at all the superstars that made headlines in this year’s Coachella, there was one big name diva that avoided the spotlight, avoided the rumors, and somehow, avoided the unemployment line.

Sean Payton.

Beyonce may not be coming back to perform at Coachella 2024 this April. But I’m going to give you 27 reasons why Sean Payton shouldn’t be coming back either.

1) Sean Payton lost in our home opener – $18 million dollars a year, an entire offseason to prepare, and in front of 76,000 fans, Payton and the Broncos lost 17-16.

2) To make things worse, not only did Payton lose our opener. He lost it to the Raiders.

3) If losing your opener, to the Raiders, isn’t bad enough. He lost it to Josh McDaniels.

4) Payton lost the opener, to the Raiders, and Josh McDaniels. A coach that was so bad that he got fired a few games later.

5) Payton lost the opener, to the Raiders, and the since-fired Josh McDaniels. Then later in the season, he lost to them AGAIN!

6) Payton lost the opener, to the Raiders, and the since-fired Josh McDaniels. Then later in the season, he lost to them again, to an interim coach!!

7) Wait! Payton lost the opener, to the Raiders, and the since-fired Josh McDaniels. Then later in the season, he lost to them again, to an interim coach, and some backup named Aiden O’Connell??!!

8) Payton lost the opener, to the Raiders, and the since-fired Josh McDaniels. Then later in the season, he lost to them again, to an interim coach, and some backup named Aiden O’Connell, when he benched Russell Wilson and replaced him with Jarrett Stidham???!!!

9) Sean Payton then lost at home again.

10) Payton blew a 21-3 lead and lost, at home, to the Washington Commanders.

11) Payton blew a 21-3 lead and lost, at home, to the Washington Commanders, and fifth-round quarterback Sam Howell (21 TDs/21 INTs).

12) Payton blew a 21-3 lead and lost, at home, to the Washington Commanders, fifth-round quarterback Sam Howell, and coach Ron Rivera. A coach that was so bad, he got fired at the end of the season.

13) Sean Payton then gave up 70 points and lost to the Miami Dolphins.

14) Payton gave up 70 points, lost to the Miami Dolphins, and coach Mike McDaniel. A coach who started off his career as the Broncos Waterboy.

15) In giving up 70 points, in a loss, to Miami and former Waterboy Mike McDaniels, the Dolphins scored 35 points in the first half, and 35 more in the second. Apparently, Sean Payton’s 5-yr/$90 million contract does not include halftime adjustments.

16) Sean Payton also lost to the New York Jets.

17) Payton lost to the New York Jets, without Aaron Rodgers.

18) Payton lost to the New York Jets, without Aaron Rodgers, and with Zach Wilson, who is terrible.

19) Payton lost to the New York Jets, without Aaron Rodgers, with the terrible Zach Wilson, and with offensive coordinator Nathaniel Hackett. Payton described Hackett’s coaching work last season with the Broncos as, “One of the worst coaching jobs in the history of the NFL.”

20) Giving up 70 points to the Dolphins is bad. Giving up 31 to Zach Wilson – THAT is the worst coaching job in the history of the NFL.

21) Sean Payton later lost to the New England Patriots.

22) Payton lost to the New England Patriots, who ended up going just 4-13.

23) Payton lost at home, to the New England Patriots (4-13), and backup quarterback Bailey Zappe.

24) Payton lost at home, to the New England Patriots, backup Bailey Zappe, and coach Bill Belichick. A coach so bad since Tom Brady left, that the organization decided to move in a different direction.

25) And then Sean Payton lost seven spots in the draft when he finally won a game. Against the Los Angeles Chargers.

26) To make things worse, Payton lost seven spots in the draft, not by defeating the Los Angeles Chargers and Justin Herbert, but by defeating their backup quarterback Easton Stick, who is terrible.

27) Wait! Payton lost seven spots in the draft, not by defeating the Los Angeles Chargers and Justin Herbert, but their backup quarterback Easton Stick, who is terrible, and not head coach Brandon Staley, but their interim coach. Apparently, Staley was so bad, the team fired him before the season was over.

Sean Payton has brought Denver some tough losses, a losing season, a benched quarterback, an angry locker room, and a 5yr/$90 million contract.

The headliner at Coachella? Or the headliner of Coach- Hella. Because it’s going to take a hell of a lot of work to fix this coaching situation.

Images via yahoosports, Wikipedia, apnews

Alan Tapley The Athletic Supporter

Alan Tapley is an educator, author, and blogger who has lived just outside of Boulder for the last twenty years.  His published work includes two novels, two children’s books, a series of cartoons in the Minneapolis Star-Tribune, and multiple sports related articles. His love for family and the state of Colorado is only matched by one thing, his passion for sports.  The first baseball game he ever attended was at Wrigley Field, before there were lights.  At the final Bronco game at the old Mile High, he allegedly cut out a piece of his seat in the South stands.  But regardless of being here for the Avalanche’s last Stanley Cup, the Rockies only World Series appearance, and all the Broncos’ Super Bowl Victories, his wife never fails to remind him that he wasn’t at the University of Colorado in 1990, like she was.  The year the Buffs football team won the National Championship