Maybe it’s just that it’s hard to watch the Winter Olympics when Colorado doesn’t get snow anymore, but times have changed.

I can still remember years ago, sitting around with my family, not knowing any results, cheering for the USA during a delayed, recorded broadcast.

Now, instead of sitting with my family, I’m yelling to my family, “Hey, I found Peacock! Can someone help me with the freaking QR code?!!”

The Winter Olympics are just different these days.

• First of all, whose idea was it to have the Winter Olympics in Italy? The Italians don’t ski, snowboard, or play hockey.

• I’ve been to Italy. I saw Rome, saw the Vatican, saw the Colosseum. You know what I didn’t see? Snow!

• As a matter of fact, I’m pretty sure that the most famous Italian hockey player of all time is Todd Bertuzzi, and he’s from Ontario.

• I also don’t remember a city called Milano-Cortina, unless they mean Milan and Cortina d’Ampezzo. Two cities that sit 250 miles apart from one another.

• Bend, Oregon, is only 250 miles from Hover, Washington. Does that mean the Bend-Hover Winter Olympics has a shot?

Credit via The Guardian

• And let me get this straight. The United States, with roughly 343 million people, finished second to Norway? A country with about two dozen people, some decent salmon fishing, and a bunch of white dudes named Johansson?

• Just think what the medal count would have been if Norway could have included the results of Sweden, Finland, and Denmark in their totals. After all, can anybody really tell those countries apart?

• And that time difference sure didn’t help. I don’t know what time it was in Italy, but every time I turned on the television, the good events were over, and curling was on again.

• How is curling even a sport? Ice but no skates, shuffleboard but no old people, and how athletic do you need to be to sweep?

• Where do you find top recruits for this sport? Molly Maids?

• I assumed curling included a 12-oz can of Labatt Blue.

• In the sport of curling, players throw stones from a hack before the hog line to the house for ten ends. Sweeping reduces friction, helping the 44-pound granite stone go further and straighter.

• Translation. Slide the big rock to the target.

• Apparently, there are 10 ends, or rounds, in the sport of curling. But to me, curling never ends.

Credit via Amazon.com

• Things got a little spicy when Sweden’s Oskar Eriksson accused Canada’s Marc Kennedy of cheating. How do you cheat in curling? Did someone sneak on down to McGuckin Hardware and purchase the new Libman Precision Series 201?

• Colorado was well represented as we sent 32 athletes to the Milan-Cortina Winter Olympics, and that didn’t even include Nathan MacKinnon, Cale Makar, or the other Avalanche players.

• Lindsey Vonn and Makaela Shiffrin were easy to spot, and I think I saw Red Gerard, the snowboarder from Silverthorne. Unless that was someone else wearing a Columbia Factory Store jacket, J Crew Factory sweatshirt, and Levi’s Outlet jeans.

• Did you see where the Olympic Village ran out of its initial supply of 10,000 condoms donated by the committee after just three days? Glad Kash Patel was there to provide extra protection.

• 10,000 condoms in three days? Talk about enjoying the Opening Ceremonies.

• 10,000 condoms in three days? Apparently, the most popular event of the Winter Olympics was Pole Vaulting.

• 10,000 condoms in three days? That’s what you get when the Nordics Combine.

• 10,000 condoms in three days? I guess curling isn’t the only sport that includes a Mixed Doubles Round Robin, with multiple sessions.

• Controversy began early in the Winter Olympics when President Trump called skier Hunter Hess a “Real loser” on Truth Social after Hess criticized the US and the Trump Administration. But technically, Lee Seunghun of Korea was the real loser of the Freestyle Half Pipe Final, but only because he had to withdraw after tearing his ACL in the previous round. Hess finished tenth.

• American figure skater Amber Glenn also spoke out against the Trump Administration in support of transgender rights. But I don’t think anyone is changing the Biathlon to the LGBTQ+Athlon anytime soon.

Credit via Facebook

• One of the major highlights of the Winter Olympics was the US Women’s Hockey Team taking home gold after defeating Canada, 2-1, on an overtime goal by Megan Keller.

• Trump will make fun of a Summer Olympian, Winter Olympian, and even a Special Olympian, but not one Helen Keller/Megan Keller reference? Maybe he’s maturing?

• The US Men’s Hockey Team matched that performance by taking home gold after defeating Canada, 2-1, on an overtime goal by Quinn Hughes.

• And for any of you Canadians that would like to complain about the 3-on-3 overtime format, you had Makar, McKinnon, and McDavid. So McDeal.

• FBI Director Kash Patel landed in a bit of hot water as he was seen partying and chugging a beer with the US Men’s team in the locker room after the game.

Credit via Etsy

• Spending American tax dollars on Patel’s trip seems questionable, but we probably should have known something was up when his FBI t-shirt had Female Body Inspector printed on the back of it.

• Patel claimed to be in Italy on official business, but I don’t even think he was carrying a firearm. Unless shotgunning a beer counts.

Image via TV Insider

• With the Men’s team winning for the first time since 1980, many of us had to think about the movie, Miracle (2004), in which Kurt Russell plays coach Herb Brooks. But between the adrenaline, patriotism, and Kash Patel chugging a beer, my mind started wandering to the 2006 classic, Beerfest.

Credit via Netflix

• And if you think that sounds racist, I think Patel looks like the dude on the far right.

• President Trump also skated on thin ice when he invited the Men’s team to the State of the Union address, then added that he had better invite the Women’s team as well, or he’ll be impeached.

• The Women’s team turned down the invitation, while the Men’s team accepted the offer to both the State of the Union and, later, a White House dinner. So, basically, Trump called McDonald’s for the men but called his joke against the women a nothing burger.

• On a sidenote, what’s with our Burger King serving Big Macs at the White Castle? I thought RFK Jr was banning all that?

• White Castle. Stephen Miller wishes.

• 10,000 condoms in three days? While the Men’s team had McDonald’s, the rest of the Olympic Village seemed to prefer In-N-Out.

• Or Noodles & Company.

• I don’t know why the Women’s team refused the invitation. A group of young girls being lured to an old, rich, white guy’s place? What could go wrong?

• At the State of the Union, Trump even suggested that Team USA goalie, Connor Hellebuyck, be awarded the Presidential Medal of Freedom.

• Quite the honor for Hellebuyck. The only other recipients this term have been Ben Carson, Rudy Giuliani, and the late Charlie Kirk.

Credit via Colorado Public Radio

• Presidential Medal of Freedom? I’m guessing the Women’s team, Mikaela Shiffrin, and any others who spoke up against the administration may have to settle for the medals they already earned.

• Anyway, I apologize for this article running so long. I probably should have spent less time on curling and more time on sports that we truly care about.

And so should have this year’s Winter Olympics.

Images via Olympics.com, the Guardian, amazon.com, etsy, Colorado public radio, tv insider, netflix, Facebook

Alan Tapley Colorado Sports & Culture Writer

Alan Tapley is an educator, author, and blogger who has lived just outside of Boulder for the last twenty years. His published work includes two novels, two children’s books, a series of cartoons in the Minneapolis Star-Tribune, and multiple sports related articles. His love for family and the state of Colorado is only matched by one thing, his passion for sports.  The first baseball game he ever attended was at Wrigley Field, before there were lights.  At the final Bronco game at the old Mile High, he allegedly cut out a piece of his seat in the South stands.  But regardless of being here for the Avalanche’s last Stanley Cup, the Rockies only World Series appearance, and all the Broncos’ Super Bowl Victories, his wife never fails to remind him that he wasn’t at the University of Colorado in 1990, like she was.  The year the Buffs football team won the National Championship