The All-Madden Team was named after former Oakland Raider coach, and sportscaster great, John Madden. It celebrated the attributes that Madden looked for in his players. Toughness, grit, and determination.

The All-Maddening Team is completely different. The name – purely coincidence.

The All-Maddening Team is a regretful look at the players you drafted in your fantasy league and the maddening decisions that were made.
More mistakes than Nathaniel Hackett. More misses than Rodrigo Blankenship. More bad picks than Joe Burrow.

Meet the team, and the players that are ruining your season.

Quarterbacks – I’m sorry Ms. Jackson, I am for real, never meant to – let your son, Lamar, fall past the third round of my fantasy draft. But I went tight end instead.

• Tom Brady deserves honorable mention on the All-Maddening Team, as it was maddening to think that you could wait until the late rounds to grab the 45-year-old quarterback, and that he would still repeat his performance of last season where he threw for 5,300 yards with 43 TDs. After two games the Buccaneers are 2-0, but I bet your fantasy team isn’t.

• Your new fantasy team name is The Brady Bunch – old, irrelevant, and not that funny anymore.

• Dak Prescott may have injured his right thumb, but to fantasy owners – it sure feels like the middle finger. It Hurts enough that you probably could have had Jalen a few spots early, but now your team is winless, and you’re forced to start Kirk Cousins. Honorable mention.

• Your new fantasy team name is Jerry’s Jonesing for Next Season.

Sep 11, 2022; Arlington, Texas, USA; Dallas Cowboys quarterback Dak Prescott (4) warms up before the game against the Tampa Bay Buccaneers at AT&T Stadium. Mandatory Credit: Tim Heitman-USA TODAY Sports

• But the All-Maddening quarterback has to be San Francisco’s Trey Lance. The darling of fantasy preseason drafts, Lance threw for only 164 yards with no TDs and a pick in week one. Then lost to the season after just one quarter of week two with a broken ankle. Now you are 0-2, missed out on free agent Kirk Cousins, and Joe Flacco is getting the start next week.

• Your new fantasy team name is Sir Lance Misses Games A Lot – like the knight that battled for King Arthur – just much less often.

Running back – After two weeks of football, the person who drafted Christian McCaffrey is still looking like a genius, rather than an idiot. On to week three!

• Najee Harris – AKA Nah G Harris. Apparently, the coaches went up to the Pittsburgh running back in the fourth quarter of game one and said – “We know you had almost 400 touches last season, but can you go back in the game and give us a few more?” – Harris replied – “Nah, G. I’m good.”

• Your new fantasy team name is Joe Mixon in Action – like when your running back seems to be MIA.

Tight End – There’s Travis Kelce in the second round or Cole Kmet in round nine. Nothing in between.
• George Kittle – Chosen in the fourth round of most fantasy drafts, Kittle has yet to play a snap for the San Francisco 49ers this season. Drafting Kittle has been like a kick in the groin – literally.

• Your new fantasy team name is Jake’s Butt – which is the closest thing to a real tight end on your roster.

• Kyle Pitts – The top tight end in many drafts, Pitts has only 4 catches for 38 yards this season after catching 68 passes for 1,026 yards in 2021. Your team name could have been Can You Diggs It, or Cooper Where’s My Kupp – but you had to go tight end.

• Your new fantasy team name is The Pitts of Despair – although even Andre the Giant can’t save you from this torture.

Wide Receiver – If you Cee Dee Lamb, throw the ball to Dee Lamb.

• Mike Evans – Questionable for game one, Evans hopefully made your lineup as a game-time decision. Only three catches in game two before being tossed for fighting. And now suspended for game three – despite being the only Tampa Bay receiver worthy of targets on the entire squad. Meanwhile, The Jefferson’s – Moving on Up and Tyreek You Reek are kicking your butt.

• Your new fantasy name is Ryan Suck It Up – since your kicker is now your top scorer.

• Darnell Mooney – The Chicago Bears’ wide receiver was supposed to be your secret weapon as you snagged him as your flex after a 2021 season that included 81 catches and over 1,000 yards. Calling game one and his one catch for 8 yards during a rainstorm an anomaly is one thing. But in game two, Mooney had just one catch for MINUS 4 yards. Looks like the All-Maddening Team found their captain!

• Your new fantasy name is Show Me the Mooney!!!! – although with the Bears throwing only 17 pass attempts in their first two games, I’m not sure Jerry McGuire could help this client.

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Alan Tapley
Alan Tapley is an educator, author, and blogger who has lived just outside of Boulder for the last twenty years.  His published work includes two novels, two children’s books, a series of cartoons in the Minneapolis Star-Tribune, and multiple sports related articles. His love for family and the state of Colorado is only matched by one thing, his passion for sports.  The first baseball game he ever attended was at Wrigley Field, before there were lights.  At the final Bronco game at the old Mile High, he allegedly cut out a piece of his seat in the South stands.  But regardless of being here for the Avalanche’s last Stanley Cup, the Rockies only World Series appearance, and all the Broncos’ Super Bowl Victories, his wife never fails to remind him that he wasn’t at the University of Colorado in 1990, like she was.  The year the Buffs football team won the National Championship
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