It’s Saint Patrick’s Day, it’s March Madness, I have picks for you, I have the luck of the Irish, and today, I’m feeling like a genius!

Sorry, I mean that I’m feeling like a Guinness!

So, grab those bracket sheets, a pen with plenty of ink, join me for that beer, and let’s have some fun!

To begin with, what’s up with the First Four not quite being part of the Big Dance?

The games are listed at the top of my bracket; You can bet on them on DraftKings. These teams are not on “the bubble,” and they are playing meaningful games in March.

If you make me see UMBC on CNBC, I’m counting that sh*t.

ROUND ONE

The upsets usually begin with the 5 vs 12 matchup, but I’m struggling to believe that a team like Wisconsin (5) could lose to High Point (12).

Wait, is it redundant to bet the over (164.5) on High Point?

High Point University? Who is their coach, Snoop Dogg?

I’m guessing that High Point (30-4) wasn’t too happy with their seed…or the twigs.

Credit via Reddit

Famous High Point alumni include Dave Chappelle, Cheech and Chong, and Jeff Spicoli, who attended the school after graduating from Ridgemont High.

Speaking of High Point, I like Alabama (23-9) to get past Hofstra University (24-10), even if ‘Bama’s Aden Holloway doesn’t play. Holloway was arrested the other day after the police found a pound of weed in his car.

And I might be high, but couldn’t you combine the first-round teams of Miami of Ohio (31-1), Miami (25-8), and Ohio State (21-12), and just have Miami of Ohio State?

Look, I’m no poker expert, but if 2nd-seeded Purdue (27-8) can’t beat a handful of Queens (21-13), it could be time to fold.

Credit via Cinemablend

Queens University? Who is your backcourt, Prince Akeem and Semmi?

Wait, 15th-seeded Queens University is in Charlotte, North Carolina? Is 16th-seeded Long Island University still in New York?

Long Island University sounds like a Bartending school.

Hawaii (24-8) is back in the tournament for the first time since 2016, as the 13th-seeded Rainbows take on 4th-seeded Arkansas (26-8).

The Hawaiian word aloha can mean both hello and goodbye. In this case, I’m pretty sure it means goodbye.

Cal Baptist (25-8) will make its first-ever appearance in the tournament as a 12th seed as they take on 4th-seeded Kansas.

Going to be hard for Cal Baptist to keep its head above water.

Penn (18-11) opens the tournament by taking on 3rd-seeded Illinois (24-8). Those Ivy Leaguers are smart, but (-24.5) is more than just a negative rational number.

Is it Furman (22-12) or Fur Men taking on 2nd-seeded UConn (29-5)? Because I know a ton of hairy dudes who play ball.

They should do a first round “Manscape Matchup” in which the Fur Men take on the Razor Backs.

Wright State (23-11) better be in the right state to take on 3rd-seeded Virginia (29-5).

BYU (23-11) should advance to the next round. Chick-fil-A might not be open, but AJ Dybantsa sure is.

Akron (29-5) has no chance against 5th-seeded Texas Tech (22-10). I mean Zip.

And finally, I’m going to bet on a 3-team parlay that includes Tennessee, Michigan, and Iowa. Then, if I lose, try to convince them that I meant Tennessee, Michigan, and Iowa….STATE!

ROUND TWO

They call it March Madness, but I have a feeling that when the Saints Go Marching In (St. Mary’s, Saint Louis, St. John’s, and the Siena Saints), only the Red Storm have a slight chance of marching out.

I do really like UConn, and I used to drive a Yukon, I pull up like Jimmy Neutron, in Tucson…

Give me 5th-seed Vanderbilt over 4th-seed Nebraska in the upset.

Credit via Yahoo

Vanderbilt has a freshman guard named Chandler Bing. Could that BE any funnier?

North Carolina (24-8) may get past VCU, but with Caleb Wilson just out of the ICU after season-ending thumb surgery, their tournament ends here.

Look for Kansas (23-10) and Darryn Peterson to exit quickly following a tough matchup with St. John’s.

Kansas was 13-2 at home this season, but just 5-6 on the road.

Toto, I’ve a feeling we’re not in Kansas anymore.

As for AJ Dybantsa, premarital sex may be frowned upon at BYU, but against 3rd-seeded Gonzaga, at least they get spanked.

SWEET SIXTEEN

I like Houston over Illinois, Michigan State over UConn, Virginia over Iowa State, Duke over St. John’s, Michigan over Alabama, and Arizona over Arkansas.

Purdue, led by Braden Smith, should be good enough to get by Gonzaga. Braden quarterbacks the team so well that I call Purdue “The Brady Bunch”.

Credit via TheScore.com

That is, if one of the Brady boys were a big, Australian, Amish-looking dude.

I also have Florida (28-7) moving on. But between Florida, Central Florida, and South Florida, it’s hard to know what direction to go.

ELITE EIGHT

Arizona takes out Purdue, Florida takes out Houston, and Duke takes out Michigan State.

Vanderbilt has Chandler Bing, but I’m surprised that the Michigan starters are such good friends, considering Yaxel Lendeborg played for UAB last season, Aday Mara was at UCLA, Elliot Cadeau came over from North Carolina, Morez Johnson Jr started with Illinois, Nimari Burnett was a Crimson Tide, and Roddy Gale Jr played 71 games with the Buckeyes.

But I still like Michigan to make the Final Four.

FINAL FOUR

Arizona is too hot for Michigan, especially in April.

And Duke advances as they remind me of my former rec league team. Full of Boozers.

NATIONAL CHAMPIONSHIP

Arizona 78 – Duke 72.

The Wildcats are so good in their white shirts with Brayden Burries, Koa Peat, Motiejus Krivas, Tobe Awak, Ivan Kharchenkov, and Anthony Dell’Orso, that Lebron’s kid is wearing a redshirt.

Credit via YouTube

Now, grab another beer, fill out those brackets, and let’s get dancing.

Images via SBNation, Reddit, Yahoo, TheScore.com, YouTube, Cinemablend

Alan Tapley Colorado Sports & Culture Writer

Alan Tapley is an educator, author, and blogger who has lived just outside of Boulder for the last twenty years. His published work includes two novels, two children’s books, a series of cartoons in the Minneapolis Star-Tribune, and multiple sports related articles. His love for family and the state of Colorado is only matched by one thing, his passion for sports.  The first baseball game he ever attended was at Wrigley Field, before there were lights.  At the final Bronco game at the old Mile High, he allegedly cut out a piece of his seat in the South stands.  But regardless of being here for the Avalanche’s last Stanley Cup, the Rockies only World Series appearance, and all the Broncos’ Super Bowl Victories, his wife never fails to remind him that he wasn’t at the University of Colorado in 1990, like she was.  The year the Buffs football team won the National Championship