Bill Murray and Melissa McCarthy star in St. Vincent, which walks like a movie and talks like a movie, but it’s not actually a movie. What it is, instead, is an endless string of cinematic clichés that simulate a movie-going experience, sort of like Oculus Rift or that Al Pacino movie a few years back about the virtual woman. Simone, I think it was called? I’m not going to look it up. Never mind, that’s not important.

Anyway, instead of going over the premise of St. Vincent, I thought I’d just list all of the clichés I found, which should give you a pretty good idea of what you can expect.

1. Down-on-his-luck, curmudgeony old man owes money all over town. He has gambling debts, a wife with Alzheimer’s in an expensive nursing home, and a pregnant girlfriend.
2. A single mother stretched to the breaking point has no idea what to do with her son, and worries about him constantly.
3. To make ends meet, single mother has to work late every night.
4. The son is shrimpy and awkward and gets picked on at school.
5. Old curmudgeon agrees to babysit shrimpy kid for selfish reasons.
6. Old curmudgeon appears to be a bad influence on shrimpy kid, taking him to bars and to the horse racing track.
7. BUT, we start to see that curmudgeon actually has a heart of gold, buried deep inside that gruff exterior. He teaches shrimpy kid how to stand up to those kids who are bullying him at school.
8. Shrimpy kid, meanwhile, teaches curmudgeon about the value of something-or-other, and we see the curmudgeon start to smile and appreciate life.
9. The film ends with a tear-jerking speech about the value of sacrifice. Everyone loves curmudgeon.

And, that’s about it. You can tell within the first ten minutes exactly where this is going to go and how it’s going to get there. Nothing unexpected happens at all during this movie, with the exception of the always-funny Chris O’Dowd in an entertaining bit part as one of the shrimpy kid’s teachers.

If you like your stories predictable and heart-warming, maybe this is the movie for you. Otherwise, avoid it at all costs.

My rating: 2/10

Jim Heskett