I’ve been a four eyes since the 2nd grade. Evidently binge reading plus optically challenged genetics equals functional blindness. It’s a formula that holds true to this day.

My first pair of glasses had comically large pink plastic frames, because why wouldn’t they. It was like I was trying to earn another merit badge in dorkdom. High waters? Check. Preference for books over human interaction? Check. Thick corrective lenses that if swiped off my face rendered me helpless? Aww yeah.

via freedigitalphotos.net

Because of this, I only wear makeup and glasses simultaneously if I’ve already done my makeup for the day with contacts in place and then later switch to glasses. It’s extremely difficult and frankly, hazardous, for me to try to apply makeup without any sort of vision correction.

via screenshot from Community

On days when I’m too tired/grumpy/late to wear contacts this generally means I throw my glasses on and head to work bare faced.

It’s cool. I’m a pediatrician. Between ear exams and immunizations the kids are used to being frightened when they see me.

Despite this, I’ve been trying to MacGyver a way to apply makeup without my contacts in.

I have a magnifying mirror that I use to facilitate eyebrow plucking. It has now become my main weapon in morning sans-contacts-makeup-application. The issue is, my vision is so poor that I literally have to have my nose against the mirror in order to see where my lash line is and apply eyeliner in a way that doesn’t look like a crack in a sidewalk.

It’s hard to use brushes and pencils with normal sized handles because I can’t finagle them between the mirror and my face without risking popping an eyeball. I’ve tried to apply makeup without my glasses on using a regular mirror from a regular distance and ended up looking like this:

via womens9.com


I did not know these things existed. They are genius. At least I think so… it’s hard to know whether regular old reading magnification will be strong enough for my mole eyeballs, but I’m pretty stoked the concept is out there.

There are two different types — the flip up lens, like these:

via amazon.com

…where each lens is hinged. If you’re working on your left eye, you can flip the left lens down and presumably see through the right side to do your left eye makeup, and vice versa.

Another model I came across is the uni-lens that pivots from one eye to the other:

via dailymail.co.uk

Like I said… genius.

So, dear readers, rest assured. I am investing the $19.99 to figure out if the Ritzy Readers Makeup Readers  (the only ones I found eligible for Amazon Prime) are the answer to my woes or a cruel, cruel, gimmick.

Come back next week for the gripping conclusion. Do they work? Are they worth it? Did Nancy escape enucleation?

(Don’t google that.)(You’ll regret it.)(Enucleation means take your eyeball out in medical speak.)