You expected to hear about March Madness and the upset?

Well, it’s March, and I’m mad and upset.

Forget about the Final Four. The baseball season has just begun, and I’m just thankful the Rockies aren’t 0-4.

But after seven straight losing seasons, including the last three in which the team lost over 100 games, I decided to try to put a positive spin on things.

Apparently, balls don’t spin as much at high altitude.

Welcome to another season of Colorado Rockies baseball.

• Where parking costs you $20, a beer costs $18, and tickets go for $6.50 on StubHub.

• Rockies baseball. Where your favorite pitcher is Bud Light.

• Rockies baseball. When someone asks you how the lineup looks? They mean the line up to the bathroom.

• Rockies baseball. Where, after 4 games, the Dodgers’ lead in the division seems insurmountable.

• Rockies baseball. Where exit velocity refers to how fast the fans leave after the 7th inning.

But look on the bright side. It might be a bad omen to start the season by being swept by the Miami Marlins, losing the final game to a walk-off 2-run homerun, and having to hop on a plane the next day to face the American League Champion, Toronto Blue Jays.

But at least a blown save suggests that we were ahead at some point.

Besides, Dick Monfort has finally made some much-needed changes to the front office.

• Paul DePodesta, one of the architects of “Moneyball,” was brought in as the President of Baseball Operations. It feels good that the Rockies hired a guy whose specialty is to win as many games as possible without spending a dime.

DePodesta challenged the notion that salary was an issue when he announced that the Rockies had one of the highest payrolls in all of baseball…if you include altitude.

I shouldn’t make jokes about 5280. If the Rockies go 52-80, that puts them ahead of Vegas projections.

• The new General Manager is Josh Byrnes. Byrnes came over from the Dodgers and will oversee Players Irrelevant. Check that. I meant Player Development.

Here’s a novel idea. Instead of acquiring a guy that was in charge of the Dodgers farm system, acquire guys in the Dodgers farm system!

• And after years of criticism that Dick and Charlie Monfort were too involved in the daily operations of the organization, the team finally decided on a new, fresh face to oversee Front Office and Strategic Growth.

Credit via MLB.COM

Dick’s son, Walker Monfort.

Strategic Growth? Isn’t losing anything under 100 games considered growth? How much strategy do you need, Dick?

On a sidenote, I’m starting to doubt that Kris Bryant signing.

• Placed on the 60-day DL, apparently, Bryant isn’t good enough to play. Literally and figuratively.

I do have faith that Bryant could still be Comeback Player of the Year. Wait, I mean, could still come back this year.

Being placed on the 60-day DL before the start of the season must hurt jersey sales. With a healthy Bryant, we know at least one person is wearing his jersey.

I give Bryant a hard time, but rumor has it that he gave half his salary to charity last year. Wait, nope, my bad. His wife’s name is Jessica.

I did hear a great version of the old Abbott and Costello, Who’s on First? What’s on second? bit. Unfortunately, it was from the PA guy as he announced the Rockies’ lineup card.

• TJ Rumfield? Braxton Fulford? Ryan Ritter? Troy Johnston?

Hey Dick! Why don’t you just change the name of the franchise from the Rockies to the Rookies? Have your son grab a few markers and simply fill in the rest of that little c on those jerseys.

• I did see where the Rockies signed 37-year-old Jose Quintana to a one-year deal. Which either means he’s washed up, failed his physical, or the Rockies are now the equivalent of playing Winter Ball in Mexico.

Credit via Sports Illustrated

• And look out, Dodgers! You may have Sasaki, Yamamoto, and Ohtani. But we have 36-year-old Tomoyuki Sugano!

• And is it Willi Castro or Fidel Castro? Because after batting .226 last year, I’d like to escape from that contract.

There are some fun dates on the calendar to look forward to.

• I’m excited for the opener on April 3rd, unless my beer’s a twist-off.

• On June 7, it’s Dinger Bobblehead Night. Do you think they picked the mascot because he’s the only one on the field that might not get sent down to AAA before June?

• The All-Star Break is scheduled for July 14-17. But here in Colorado, we just call it The Break.

• On July 31, the Rockies are offering a Grateful Dead ticket package. But I’ll be grateful if they’re not dead before late April.

• On August 2, the Rockies are having a Faith Day Postgame concert.

Asking for faith AFTER the game is to be played? Probably the right call.

• August 22 is Star Wars Night.

But instead of C3PO, it’s 6-4 to 3 PO. Instead of R2-D2, it’s R2-E2 (or E6, depending on the play), and as for Han Solo? Pretty sure these hands will be Solo, sitting all alone at the bottom of the division by late August.

Credit via Forbes

I did see that the first 5,000 in attendance will receive The Rise of Skywalker (2019) t-shirts. But the Sky will be crossed off as a homage to Walker Monfort’s recent promotion.

May the Forced Sale be with us.

Just Kidding. The Monfort family shouldn’t be forced to sell. They should be forced to watch like the rest of us.

Credit via CBS Sports

• On August 23, Larry Walker’s statue will be unveiled.

Walker was so talented that he could probably throw on a uniform right now and still bat third in this lineup.

Heck, his statue could bat seventh.

Larry Walker Night is well deserved, but by late August, we’re going to need Johnny Walker Night.

• Kris Bryant may not get a statue, but there should at least be a statute. A statute of limitations on how long we should have to suffer with that contract!

So, good luck, Warren (Peace) Schaeffer. Because, like the 1869, 1,440-page, Tolstoy novel, it’s going to be a long, boring season.

Images via mlb.com, Sports Illustrated, Forbes, CBS Sports

Alan Tapley Colorado Sports & Culture Writer

Alan Tapley is an educator, author, and blogger who has lived just outside of Boulder for the last twenty years. His published work includes two novels, two children’s books, a series of cartoons in the Minneapolis Star-Tribune, and multiple sports related articles. His love for family and the state of Colorado is only matched by one thing, his passion for sports.  The first baseball game he ever attended was at Wrigley Field, before there were lights.  At the final Bronco game at the old Mile High, he allegedly cut out a piece of his seat in the South stands.  But regardless of being here for the Avalanche’s last Stanley Cup, the Rockies only World Series appearance, and all the Broncos’ Super Bowl Victories, his wife never fails to remind him that he wasn’t at the University of Colorado in 1990, like she was.  The year the Buffs football team won the National Championship