The Colorado Rockies hired Paul DePodesta last week as their new Head of Baseball Operations.

DePodesta, most recently the Chief Strategy Officer for the Cleveland Browns, was best known for his work with the 2002 Oakland A’s under Billy Beane, where sabermetrics and analytics helped inspire the hit movie “Moneyball” (2011).

“Moneyball” is based on a true story in which Beane, played by Brad Pitt, hires a young Yale graduate to help turn a struggling franchise all the way into a champion.

Credit via Film Book

But the Monfort family didn’t hire Brad Pitt. Instead, they got the socially awkward, unproven, and less attractive character played by Jonah Hill.

I guess we’re a comedy.

Credit via IGN

When I heard that the Rockies (43-119) had hired a new Head of Baseball Operations based on a Jonah Hill character, I naturally assumed we were talking about “Superbad”(2007).

Although it can’t get Superworse.

And wait, wasn’t the premise of “Moneyball” that the Oakland A’s were cheap, small market, and unwilling to pay for top talent, so Brad and Jonah had no choice but to try something new?

And didn’t Oakland lose in the playoffs that season, slowly lose their fanbase, and eventually end up in Sacramento?

And didn’t DePodesta’s Cleveland Browns go 56-100-1 since he took the job in 2016, with 4 different coaches, 17 starting quarterbacks, and just two winning seasons?

In “Moneyball”, Brad Pitt and Jonah Hill put Chris Pratt at first base, figure out the sabermetrics, and work the phones looking for the perfect deals. But this isn’t a movie, DePodesta. And no one will believe a script in which Kris Bryant finds a team to take the remaining $81 million off his contract, while batting .154.

As a matter of fact, DePodesta’s “Moneyball” of 2002 is nothing like the Moneyball of today.

• The Los Angeles Dodgers had a $400 million roster this season. Mookie Betts signed for 12 years/$365 million, Yoshinobu Yamamoto 12 years/$325 million, Shohei Ohtani 10 years/$282 million, Blake Snell 5 years/$137 million, Tyler Glasnow 4 years/ $115 million, and the team has back-to-back World Series victories. That’s Moneyball!

• The eighth-ranked Texas Tech Red Raiders (9-1) spent over $20 million in NIL money to improve their college football program, which finished seventh in the Big 12 last season. That’s Moneyball!

• The outside slider and low cutter that Cleveland Guardian pitchers Emmanuel Clase and Luis Ortiz threw after tipping off professional gamblers. Those are Moneyballs!

• MLB responded to the gambling scandal by announcing new limits on micro-betting that cap individual wages on pitch-level outcomes. Yeah, I’m betting that idea swings and misses.

• A select committee is doing its best to make sure that Arch Manning of Texas, Jeremiyah Love of Notre Dame, and Ty Simpson of Alabama make the College Football Playoffs and help the ratings. That’s Moneyball!

• I know that the NBA season has just begun, but here is some statistical analysis for you. The Oklahoma City Thunder (10-1), Detroit Pistons (9-2), Denver Nuggets (7-2), and San Antonio Spurs (8-2) have the best records in the NBA at this point. The Thunder, Pistons, Nuggets, and Spurs are also in the top five in defensive efficiency in the NBA at this point. Not sure you need a Yale graduate to figure that one out.

• Statistics, averages, and probabilities? If you trade Luka Doncic and he averages 37.1 points, 9.4 rebounds, and 9.1 assists for the 8-3 Lakers, while your Mavericks start off 3-8, you’re probably fired, Nico.

• Sabermetrics? How about Avs-ermetrics? The Colorado Avalanche (10-1-5) have the best record in the entire NHL. The Sabres (5-6-4) are in last place in the Atlantic Division.

• Jonah Hill may have McLovin, but the Avs have MacKinnon.

• Speaking of defensive efficiency, how about those Denver Broncos (8-2)! But do you know who’s not money with the ball these days, Bo Nix.

• Denver’s receivers haven’t been much better, but they had a better week than Antonio Brown. Brown, the former 7x Pro-Bowler for the Steelers, Pats, and Bucs, was arrested in Dubai and extradited to the United States after being charged with attempted murder after a shooting incident following a fight. Forget Moneyball, he needs Money for Bail.

• Antonio Brown needs to be careful. This isn’t a game. And there’s no Get out of Jail free card. Unless you’re Darryl Strawberry.

• I found it strange that the New York Giants fired head coach Brian Daboll after starting the season 2-8. Jaxson Dart has a concussion, Cam Skattebo is on Injured Reserve, and Malik Nabers is out for the season. If you started 2-8 for the Rockies, you’re in the starting rotation, and DePodesta’s talking long-term deal.

• Hollywood should make a sequel to “Moneyball” in which Jonah Hill gets hired by the Monfort family and does nothing except raise the price of beer by $2.00. They could call it “MoneyHaul”.

• The Monfort family is so cheap that when they heard Art Howe was the manager of the A’s during “Moneyball”, they tried to hire another Art to manage the Rockies. Art-ificial Intelligence. Hey ChatGPT, who should bat cleanup tonight?

Credit via Something About Films

• Well, good luck, Jonah Hill. “War Dogs” (2016) is fitting, because your Wins Above Replacement is a woof. “Forgetting Sarah Marshall” (2008)? How about forgetting about the last seven years. “21 Jump Street” (2012)? More like, everyone jump ship.

Jonah Hill is now in charge of the Colorado Rockies.

I guess “This is the End” (2013).

Credit via IMDb

Images via Wikipedia, filmbook, IMDb, IGN, Somethingaboutfilms

Alan Tapley The Athletic Supporter

Alan Tapley is an educator, author, and blogger who has lived just outside of Boulder for the last twenty years.  His published work includes two novels, two children’s books, a series of cartoons in the Minneapolis Star-Tribune, and multiple sports related articles. His love for family and the state of Colorado is only matched by one thing, his passion for sports.  The first baseball game he ever attended was at Wrigley Field, before there were lights.  At the final Bronco game at the old Mile High, he allegedly cut out a piece of his seat in the South stands.  But regardless of being here for the Avalanche’s last Stanley Cup, the Rockies only World Series appearance, and all the Broncos’ Super Bowl Victories, his wife never fails to remind him that he wasn’t at the University of Colorado in 1990, like she was.  The year the Buffs football team won the National Championship