It’s Tax Day, and I’m not claiming a lot of itemized deductions, but I’m writing off the Colorado Rockies.

Apparently, Charlie Monfort’s accountant told him to offset any capital gains with some losses, and the Rockies (3-13) are doing their best to comply.

As usual, Monfort just shows that rich people don’t pay taxes. No income tax, no payroll tax, and the man has never heard of a luxury tax.

That’s Charlie. Cheap enough to use TurboTax, too cheap to buy a Turbo Bat.

But I guess it’s that time of the year again. Worrying about the numbers, wondering where all the money went, asking if your paid professional even knows what they are doing.

That’s right. It’s time to make fun of Rockies baseball.

• First, I’ll stop telling us the same pathetic Rockies jokes year after year – If Monfort stops selling us the same pathetic Rockies jokes year after year.

• Trust the process. Do they mean the brewing process of the ballpark microbrews?

• Considering that the NFL Draft is only a few days away, I probably should have skipped the Rockies and done a Mock Draft instead. But with former top picks Michael Toglia (.167), Zach Veen (.125), and Jordan Beck (.150) all struggling for the Rockies – looks like a Mocked Draft to me.

• Jordan Beck hit .188 last season, Hunter Goodman .190, Kyle Farmer .214, Nick Martini .212, Sean Bouchard .187, Michael Toglia .218, and Mickey Moniak .219. Either the Rockies are using sabermetrics and analytics to build a winning team, or all these players are Pisces.

Credit via Wikipedia.org

• Pretty sure our Director of Scouting has no experience, tons of merit badges, and the full endorsement of his former employer. Local Troop number 504.

• Apparently, during the offseason, Charlie Monfort asked his GM to get him a Martini, not too strong, and not too expensive. Next thing you know, the guy is playing first base.

Credit via MLB.COM

• What are the chances that Nick Martini hits .007?

• I see what you’re doing, Charlie. Martinis and Becks playing at Coors Field. Subliminal messages to increase alcohol sales. What’s next? Jim Beam at third base and Johnny Walker in right?

• Martinis and Becks – and yet, no shot.

• The club announced that Seth Halverson and Victor Vodnik are in a heated competition to become the Rockies’ new closer. Closer? Closer of what? The beer stands after the seventh inning?

• One writer compared the Rockies to the Savannah Bananas, but that’s unfair. The Bananas are entertaining – and usually win.

Credit via LA Times

• I mean, if you’re a Rockies’ outfielder, losing games, and batting .188, the least you could give us is a backflip after catching a fly ball.

• I get that Monfort isn’t going to sign the next Vladimir Guerrero Jr. That’s a lot of zeroes! But did you see the Rockies get swept by the Padres? Also, a lot of zeroes.

Credit via Baseball America

• Speaking of a lot of zeroes, looks like the “Torpedo” bat really works. Kris Bryant tried it for a week and struck out 10% faster than normal.

• It’s not a good sign when Bryant’s walk-up song is “Wind Up Missin’ You,” by Tucker Wetmore.

• Kris Bryant, the one bad investment none of us can write off.

• My neighbor bought a Kris Bryant jersey for his kid’s birthday the other day. I had no choice but to call Social Services.

• Maybe it’s time for a whole new look for the Rockies. Get rid of Kris Bryant, get rid of the uniforms, and get rid of that dinosaur. Or keep Bud Black, it doesn’t really matter.

• Bud Black – or as I like to call him, Bud Blackmail. How else could he still be our manager.

• Bud Black – or as I like to call him, Bud BlackRock. Stealing money like a hedge fund.

• Bud Black – or as I like to call him, Bud Black and Decker. Because our managerial situation needs fixing.

• Bud Black – or as I like to call him, Bud Blacked out. Because ownership doesn’t seem to remember how bad the previous years were.

• One suggestion is that the Rockies call up more talent from AAA to help the struggling lineup. Wait. I thought this was AAA?

• Charlie – you need to build up that minor league system. AA is not a battery size, and AAA is not for roadside service. Although God knows the Rockies could use a jumpstart.

• Although Monfort did say that the Rockies had 5-tool players ready to be called up from the minors any day now. Unfortunately, he meant 5 players – all tools.

• I do think that the Rockies have a decent chance to win a World Series this season. Whoops, that’s a typo. I meant a decent chance to win a Whole Series this season. Maybe take two out of three against the Chicago White Sox.

• The Blake Street Bombers. A record of 3-13, a team batting average of .219, last place in the NL West, lost home opener to the Sacramento A’s, and got swept and shutout by the San Diego Padres.

We’re bombing alright.

Images via facebook, Wikipedia.org, mlb.com,latimes, baseballamerica

Alan Tapley The Athletic Supporter

Alan Tapley is an educator, author, and blogger who has lived just outside of Boulder for the last twenty years.  His published work includes two novels, two children’s books, a series of cartoons in the Minneapolis Star-Tribune, and multiple sports related articles. His love for family and the state of Colorado is only matched by one thing, his passion for sports.  The first baseball game he ever attended was at Wrigley Field, before there were lights.  At the final Bronco game at the old Mile High, he allegedly cut out a piece of his seat in the South stands.  But regardless of being here for the Avalanche’s last Stanley Cup, the Rockies only World Series appearance, and all the Broncos’ Super Bowl Victories, his wife never fails to remind him that he wasn’t at the University of Colorado in 1990, like she was.  The year the Buffs football team won the National Championship