Okay, so apparently my threshold for horror is pretty low. Too many rounds of googling “Halloween make-up” has left me disturbed by what lengths people go to for this holiday. The “make-up” wares these Halloween stores are peddling look like a who’s who of a South Bronx Emergency Room — gunshot wound, gunshot wound, stabbing scar, gunshot wound. Why would I want to look as though my face has been blown off?

Who needs hypothetical catastrophic injuries to freak themselves out?Frankly, to deliver myself a scare, I can just sleep in my night-on-the-town eye make-up, wake up, FORGO COFFEE, and then start calculating how old I’ll be when I pay off my mortgage. Talk about terrifying. But, for all you whipper snappers out there, I have forged through the gore and identified some top trends for Halloween this year:

1) Blood, blood, and more blood. I mean, I guess the popularity of the faux injury stems from the idea that you can just wear regular old clothes if your “costume” primarily consists of glued on plastic with dripping cornstarch blood, but, ew. Look at these things:

Screen Shot 2014-10-17 at 6.27.43 PMScreen Shot 2014-10-17 at 6.42.48 PMScreen Shot 2014-10-17 at 6.27.16 PM

In sum, just make your face look like a vulva post childbirth and you’re all set.

2) Go ahead and unzip your potential. Like, really, with a zipper (kits from Party City).

Screen Shot 2014-10-17 at 6.28.49 PMScreen Shot 2014-10-17 at 6.28.26 PM

3) I feel like this next one is a little literal and lacking on the creativity side, but nonetheless, the trend is everywhere: Dia De Los Muertos. Unleash your best folks-y, primary color laden black and white motif on your face and boom. Costumed.

Screen Shot 2014-10-17 at 6.55.07 PM

4) Eyeliner Art. Basically do a dark lip, wear all black, and go Jackson Pollock on your orbits.

Screen Shot 2014-10-17 at 6.55.27 PM

5) Pick a character/concept/outfit and glam it up in the cutes-y way Halloween should only be celebrated:
– RhinestonesScreen Shot 2014-10-17 at 6.49.56 PM



– Outrageous false lashesScreen Shot 2014-10-17 at 6.48.24 PM
– Violent Lips Screen Shot 2014-10-17 at 6.50.40 PM


So, there you have it. Clearly I will be going as a crotchety thirty year old this October 31st, but I guess that’s also known as “how I dress and act for every day ever.” Now, get off my lawn!

And come back next week! We’ll be doing an in depth tutorial on last minute make-up ideas for Halloween. Because even though I may be jaded, I am nothing if not festive.