Every four years, the greatest players from across the globe come together to compete for soccer’s biggest prize.

The World Cup.

Forty-eight teams, from Algeria to Uzbekistan, will bring their country’s best athletes, and millions of their fans will come along for the ride.

And then there’s Team USA.

If you asked me to name the most famous US soccer player ever, I would probably give you names like Mia Hamm, Megan Rapinoe, Alex Morgan, or Dennis Rodman’s daughter.

If you asked me to name the most famous US soccer player that doesn’t wear a jogging bra, I’d probably have to say Landon Donovan, or that red-headed guy that used to play defense.

The truth is America’s knowledge of soccer is directly correlated to how many episodes of “Ted Lasso” they’ve watched.

The USA Men’s soccer team has never won a World Cup. As a matter of fact, their best finish ever was back in 1930, when the team made the semi-finals and ended up third.

I’m not here to bitch about the pitch, but…

• They have Cristiano Ronaldo. We have Christian Pulisic.

• They grew up on Diego Maradona. We grew up on Madonna.

• The National sport of France and Haiti is soccer. Ours is Pickleball.

Truth be told, the United States only made the World Cup because we are hosting the event (along with Canada and Mexico).

• That’s like throwing a birthday party for yourself because no one else will.

• Team USA is like the Jimmy Kimmel of the World Cup. No one is giving us an award anytime soon, so we may as well host the event, take the stage, and make people laugh before the real stars arrive.

• And tickets are so expensive, even Knicks fans can’t afford them.

• Better a host that’s delegated than a team that’s relegated. That’s what I say.

This should be fun for the United States. The whole world hates us, our politics, and our President. The team hasn’t been relevant since 1930, and if Donald Trump doesn’t embarrass us, some team from Cape Verde probably will.

• After showing up at Madison Square Garden and jinxing the Knicks’ playoff run, I don’t think Trump has any plans to attend a World Cup match.

• After all, I don’t think Trump likes soccer, foreigners, or teams that lose.

• Trump is much more UFC than Arsenal FC.

• Kash Patel and ICE may show up on his behalf, though.

• Soccer may be a worldwide phenomenon, but so is universal healthcare, and we don’t participate in that sh*t either.

• Although the US economy is supposed to make so much money off this event, that countries like Haiti and Ghana better bring their Visas AND their American Express cards.

Team USA did go out and hire coach Mauricio Pochettino, from Argentina. And the squad is filled with six players born outside of the United States, including three from the United Kingdom, one from Germany, one from Mexico, and one from the Netherlands.

Credit via Axios

• As long as we’re recruiting in Argentina, why stop at just a coach?

• If Cameroon-born, Joel Embiid can represent Team USA in basketball, we should be able to find a uniform for a Kylian Mbappe or two.

• Can’t you “borrow” players in the sport of soccer anyway? We should borrow Messi, Neymar, and maybe all of Manchester United.

Credit via Wikipedia

• Come on. We are talking about American soccer fans. We could “borrow” Norway’s Erling Haaland, call him Bob, throw on a jersey, and no one would ever know.

• Our American dollars don’t seem to be doing much. Time to invest in Euros!

It’s not fair. Other countries have a serious advantage as soccer has been part of their fabric for centuries.

• Spain has been a country for more than 500 years, twice that of the United States. Soccer has been around for so long that I’m pretty sure that Christopher Columbus was wearing a Real Madrid jersey when he hopped off the boat.

• How is the United States supposed to compete with Brazil and their one-named superstars like Neymar, Marquinhos, and Raphinha – when all we have is Zendaya and Rihanna?

• In foreign countries, kids grow up kicking anything that rolls. In the United States, kids think e-bikes are a strenuous workout.

• And remember when we used to have thousands and thousands of soccer fields. All Pickleball courts now.

Credit via Movie Insider

• I’ve seen movies about Pele, Maradona, and Ronaldo. The greatest American soccer movie of all time features Will Ferrell screaming at 8-year-olds.

• Oh, sure. We’ve had Messi, Beckham, and even Zlatan play in the United States. But they were so old when they came that they literally qualified for a Senior discount.

Credit via Wikipedia

• How sad is it that older players either choose the United States or Saudi Arabia to finish off their careers, just so those countries can look legitimate.

Pop quiz. England’s top player is 32 years old, born in London, and his first name is Harry.

• If you guessed Harry Styles, then you are an American.

• If you thought a “friendly” was an offering from a Thai massage parlor, then you are an American.

• If you felt that eleven players on each side seemed like too many but then were okay with it since two are probably on the ground faking injuries, then you are an American.

• If you think that “injury time” is redundant, because watching Team USA lose every four years is painful enough, then you are an American.

• If you believe that flopping in soccer is so prevalent that Shai Gilgeous-Alexander should be our coach, then you are an American.

Credit via Hansonstage

• If you think Mbappe is a 1997 hit by a boy band named Hanson, then you are an American.

Look, Team USA has a chance against Paraguay, since the country has fewer people than the Dallas-Ft Worth area.

And Australia is only known for three things: rugby, kangaroos, and Margot Robbie.

So, Team USA has a nice chance to make it out of the Group Stage.

But if you think that Team USA is going any further than that, or that the term Group Stage refers to the Country Music Awards, then you are probably an American.

And I hope you’re right.

Images via Wikipedia, Hansonstage, Axios, and Movie Insider.

Alan Tapley Colorado Sports & Culture Writer

Alan Tapley is an educator, author, and blogger who has lived just outside of Boulder for the last twenty years. His published work includes two novels, two children’s books, a series of cartoons in the Minneapolis Star-Tribune, and multiple sports related articles. His love for family and the state of Colorado is only matched by one thing, his passion for sports.  The first baseball game he ever attended was at Wrigley Field, before there were lights.  At the final Bronco game at the old Mile High, he allegedly cut out a piece of his seat in the South stands.  But regardless of being here for the Avalanche’s last Stanley Cup, the Rockies only World Series appearance, and all the Broncos’ Super Bowl Victories, his wife never fails to remind him that he wasn’t at the University of Colorado in 1990, like she was.  The year the Buffs football team won the National Championship