I’ve been a four eyes since the 2nd grade. Evidently binge reading plus optically challenged genetics equals functional blindness. It’s a formula that holds true to this day. My first pair of glasses had comically large pink plastic frames, because why wouldn’t they. It was like I was trying to earn another merit badge in dorkdom. High waters? Check. Preference for books over human interaction? Check. Thick corrective lenses that if swiped off my face rendered me helpless? Aww yeah. Because of this, I only wear makeup and glasses simultaneously if I’ve already done my makeup... Read More

You may think you already know the answer to this. Bigger is always better, and all that. It’s practically the American way. But I needed to find out for myself… Is Dior’s Diorshow Blackout Mascara really worth $27.50? Oomph and drama. Those sound desirable when it comes to equipping my eyeball fibers to bat and flutter. Is it great mascara? Yes. It separates, has a great color pay-off, did not clump until it was well past dried out, and made me feel like a cross between Betty Boop and a Manga character. Is it worth $27.50? In my world, that’s a lot of money. That’s... Read More

In case you haven’t been inside a commercial retailer in the last 5 weeks, next week will bring February 14th: Valentine’s Day. I’m not going to get into the singles/couples/heteronormative mess of it all. I’ll just say I’m looking forward to celebrating love. I like sending little Valentine’s Day packages to my niece and nephew in an effort to impress upon them that their marital status is not the only love in their life that matters. Especially since they’re both under the age of 12, so they’d better not even HAVE a marital status. So, chances... Read More

Does anyone remember Butterfinger BB’s? They were endorsed by Bart Simpson in the ‘90s and they were delicious. They were bite sized Butterfinger mustket-esque looking balls. Mmmm… Butterfinger balls. Clearly, I have etched them on my brain so they were the first thing I thought of when I started to hear about this “BB” business, immediately followed by “You’ll shoot your eye out.” Have you heard about BB Creams? I feel like they came up out of nowhere and all of a sudden every major line of cosmetics has their own version to tout. Upon further investigation, they did come out of... Read More

MICROBES! Ew, right? They’re everywhere. So, if you’re like me and still have the liquid foundation you bought your first year of college… this quiz is for you. 1) When it comes to eyeshadow, I… a) still have the hue I wore to prom 12 years ago b) use a value sized pot of neutral base scored at a Y2K Sam’s Club blowout c) horde palettes like doomsday preppers horde water bottles d) throw any away that I’ve lived with for 2 years   2) You need to borrow a lipstick? How about… a) this Radical Raging Red my cousin gave me as a bridesmaid gift in 1992 b) a gloss flavored... Read More

Stereotypes are basically a societal manifestation of the transitive property: People who read a lot are smart. People who read a lot need glasses. Smart people need glasses. Therein lies the nexus of this post: Boulder residents live in the Boulder Bubble. The Boulder Bubble is insulated from the rest of the world. Boulder residents are insulated from the rest of the world. With this knowledge it has to be said… we are the ideal target for subscription boxes. Have you heard of them? They’re popping up a-plenty in basically every genre of commerce: pets, candy, menses, and, you guessed... Read More

Kevyn Aucoin had every reason to fail. Or to not even fail. “Fail” implies he had opportunities for success that eluded him; he didn’t. He was a feminine, gangly, boy who lived in the homophobic South with his Catholic adoptive family. Despite this, he became a self taught master who achieved an unprecedented celebrity in his forty years of life across the worlds of beauty, entertainment, and fashion. His storied resume is nothing short of amazing. I had cursory knowledge of his achievements following the publication of his 1999 book, Making Faces. My mom had a copy of the book and I remember... Read More

In the way that Christmas’s go-to decor colors are red & green, Hallowen’s are orange & black, Valentine’s is pink or puke, New Years Eve’s is glitter. Glitter, glitter, glitter. Naturally, I expect you’ll be incorporating this central tenet into your New Years makeup look. And by “you” I mean those readers who still actually leave the house to celebrate New Year’s (and are therefore young enough to get away with wearing glitter makeup without soliciting pitying looks from passers-by.) I, on the other hand, am probably (definitely?) outside the age range for whom a glitter... Read More

I’m not ashamed to admit that as a grown woman A Christmas Carol still scares the bejesus out of me. (Yes, even the Muppet version.)(And in some ways, especially the Muppet version. Here I am thinking Kermie and Gonzo and the gang are going to be upbeat and darling, but NO. Their mirth is corrupted by ghosts upon ghosts that turn my favorite childhood gang into arbiters of holiday haunting. Not cool.) When I was younger the fear mostly came from the idea that I’d wake up one Christmas Eve to find powder white ghosts flailing chains at my face and I’d be forced to time travel away... Read More

I approached this week’s column with verve. Fantasy online shopping is one of my favorite procrastination past times. So the prospect of perusing offerings upon offerings for holiday gift ideas? YES, PLEASE. Then a weird thing happened. I started to feel… icky. Like I’d had a body dip in jam and then rolled around in sawdust. Icky. There were so many things. So many price points. So much that honestly… nobody really needs. I suppose I had my own little “meaning of Christmas” crisis. A crisis only because the column I intended to write was predicated on buying... Read More