As a Fantasy Football team owner, I did my thing.

I spent countless hours listening to podcasts. Spent weeks going over players, stats, and projections. Sharpened my game by doing endless amounts of mock drafts. Trusted the platform recommendations, my strategy, and my board looking to draft a league winner. Then crossed my fingers.

Every Fantasy Football season we anoint ourselves as General Manager of the Year after our draft is completed. And every Fantasy Football season we curse ourselves for being so stupid, just four weeks later.

To be fair, unless you’re Biff Tannen or own a Hot Tub Time Machine, it’s just unlucky to have drafted AJ Brown as your top receiver. Brown had no prior health issues, played in a high-tempo offense, and averaged almost 100 catches, 1,500 yards, and 10 TDs over the past two seasons.

Who knew he would pull a hamstring after just one game?

But the others. The running back with the history of injuries, the quarterback with three prior concussions, the 34-year-old tight end that stays up late attending Music Awards.

Maybe, that’s on us.

After four weeks of NFL football, I know you are angry about your tight end that never catches a ball. I know you’re pissed about your running back getting only 4 carries. I know you’re frustrated that your dual-threat quarterback just sits there in the pocket.

But unless your league is bad enough that Jordan Mason is still sitting there on the waiver wire, all we can do is laugh…

..by creating unflattering nicknames for Fantasy Flops to make us feel better.

1) Christian McCaffrey – I probably jinxed this selection by suggesting that anyone that selects him name their team Praying Like a Christian that McCaffrey Stays Healthy. But after ruining everyone’s season by hiding the extent of his previous injury, I’m calling him Christian My Calf! My Knee!

Credit via Gang Green Nation

2) Breece Hall – Everyone had the running back from the Jets as a top five draft pick in Fantasy. But after 4 yards on 10 carries against the Broncos, just 174 yards rushing for the season, and losing carries to fellow running back Braelon Allen – I’m calling him Febreze Hall, hoping to cover up the stench.

Credit via Wikipedia

3) Puka Nacua – If you drafted Nacua with your first or second pick in Fantasy, it’s more like Puke-a Nacua, because you must be feeling sick. But with just one game played, placed on Injured Reserve, and not due back until week 8 at the earliest, I’m calling him Poopa Nacua. Talk about “Sh*tting the Bed.”

4) Kyle Pitts – My bad for drafting him. Eight catches all season, including none in the last game against the New Orleans Saints, despite a new offensive system and a franchise quarterback making $45 million per season. Kyle Arm Pitts – every weekend he makes you sweat, and every weekend he continues to stink.

5) Kirk Cousins – It’s more like Kirk’s Cousin. As in, who’s better than Atlanta’s 4-yr/$180-million-dollar quarterback? Everyone. Including Kirk’s Cousin.

Credit via KSDK.com

6) Sam LaPorta – Many experts had LaPorta as the second rated tight end in Fantasy. With just 12 catches and no touchdowns this season, not only is LaPorta Potty stinking up the place, but I have added the nicknames Sam DePorta and Sam AirPorta – as two methods to exit him from your team.

7) Travis Kelce – After injuries to Kansas City’s top running back and wide receiver, Kelce may be able to “Shake it Off” and start to be part of the offense again. But Kelce only has 3 more catches than LaPorta, and one less touchdown than Pitts. Is it Travis Sell-ce or Travis We’ll-see?

8) Brandon Aiyuk – 13 catches for 167 yards and no TDs for the entire season? More like, Brandon Ai-yuck.

Credit via Authentic Suburban Gourmet

9) Caleb Williams – The Bears quarterback has only 3 TDs with 4 INTs, been sacked 16 times, and is currently 29th in QBR. I’m calling him Kale(b) Williams. He looks good, but he’s awfully green, unpleasant, and leaves a bad taste in your mouth.

10) Cooper Kupp – Apparently, Cooper wasn’t listening when I told him to wear a Kupp, as he has only played a game and a half this season. But I drafted him as well, so I’m calling him Cooper Kupping, hoping he gets some quality massage therapy on that body of his before the season is shot.

11) Tua Tagovailoa – Again, when I made fun of Tua’s concussion issues by suggesting one name their team, Hey Coach – I See Tua Them, it was prior to his fourth concussion, and I had yet to select him in my Fantasy draft. In retrospect, the Dolphins should have named him Franchise Tag-ovailoa, and not signed him to a 4-year/$212 million contract in July.

12) Tyreek Hill – Just like getting handcuffed by the cops, Tyreek’s pedestrian numbers of 17 catches, 217 yards, and only 1 TD isn’t his fault either. I’m calling him One Tree Hill, because he’s the only one out there. Or Ty-Reek Hill – because his situation stinks.

13) Bijan Robinson – The running back from the Falcons hasn’t been awful. But he’s only averaging 13 carries and 56 cards a game. You can call him Dijon, but when it comes to fantasy points – he needs to Ketchup.

It could be worse. A guy in our Fantasy League played Tank Dell at the Flex a few weeks back. The receiver from Houston ended up with just one reception for -3 yards.

Apparently, he was Tanking on Purpose.

Images via kxlg, wikipedia, authenticsuburbangourmet, ganggreennation, ksdk

Alan Tapley The Athletic Supporter

Alan Tapley is an educator, author, and blogger who has lived just outside of Boulder for the last twenty years.  His published work includes two novels, two children’s books, a series of cartoons in the Minneapolis Star-Tribune, and multiple sports related articles. His love for family and the state of Colorado is only matched by one thing, his passion for sports.  The first baseball game he ever attended was at Wrigley Field, before there were lights.  At the final Bronco game at the old Mile High, he allegedly cut out a piece of his seat in the South stands.  But regardless of being here for the Avalanche’s last Stanley Cup, the Rockies only World Series appearance, and all the Broncos’ Super Bowl Victories, his wife never fails to remind him that he wasn’t at the University of Colorado in 1990, like she was.  The year the Buffs football team won the National Championship